Mommy Brain on Vacation

Due to international travel issues this was supposed to be posted almost a week ago BUT better late than never.

For weeks I imagined my first night of my kid-free vacation to be filled with 12 hours of blissful sleep. How wrong was I.

I blame my dreams of slumber being crushed by a text we received late Wednesday evening. Our flight was cancelled. Yep, a flight booked months in advance and one that was to leave in less than 12 hours at 2 pm the next day. With Erik scouring the Internet for flights while holding on two cell phones for customer service, my control freak details of how the next 24 hours were supposed to go fell completely apart like an unstable Jenga game.

Luckily enough we rebooked a new flight at 7:40 am. This flight plan included a lay over in Baltimore along with boarding numbers that would guarantee Erik and I not sitting together. We would then land in Florida at 2 pm. I renamed that flight plan Long Ass Day.

I am not the type of person to be okay with my plans being disrupted when I am leaving my kids for the first time in three years for 6 days in another country. I didn't get to say good bye to them since I had already put them down to sleep. I didn't have time to recheck the 7 page guide of lists and instructions I left. I didn't have time for last minute packing. I was now waking up at 4:15 am rather than 6:30. Woe is me. I was going to the Bahamas with my husband, kid free.

After our Long Ass Day we checked into our hotel. Super sleepy from my 4 am wake up call and a day of flying, I made it through dinner, a hot bath and an episode of Biggest Loser with a brain full of mush. Thinking I would fall asleep instantly, I turned out the lights and nestled into the crisp and stiff bed sheets of our king size hotel bed.

The joke was on me. I laid awake before falling asleep making a checklist of all the things I had to convey to my sister, mom and babysitter, who would all be taking turns watching the minions during the next six days. The last time I looked at the stark red lights of the alarm clock an hour had passed. I squeezed my eyes tight and tried thinking of anything but "what ifs".

I then woke up to the sound of a train, yes they build train tracks and stations next to Marriots in Florida, around 4 am. I laid awake with my mind playing out terrible scenarios of things that could happen while I was gone. I then made a plan to avoid each of those scenarios, then a checklist of those plans and steps to relay to my sister, mom and babysitter before leaving the country in 7 hours.
By 5:06 am my mental checklists were complete and I prayed to the slumber gods for some more sleep. 6:11 am I awoke to my husband turning the bathroom light on and the sound of another train clanking away. Good Morning first day of vacation, good morning to you!

To make fun of myself, my Friday Funnies list will consist of the insane items that my "middle of the night" checklists contained.

1. What if my sister didn't watch the driver side mirror while backing out of the garage? What if she broke it off? I must text her about that.
2. What if she didn't see Erik's car while backing out and hit it? Should she move it to the street and then back out the van? What if someone hit Erik's car while it was parked on the street? Would people know we were out of town because it was parked in a different spot?
3. What if no one held my daughter's hand during school drop off? Would she run into the parking lot? I must text my sister about that.
4. Braxton has show and tell on Monday for something starting with the letter A. It's gotta be something cool. I must text my mom about that.
5. I hope it rains in Chicago because what if no one waters my mums, they will die. I must text my sister to find out if it is raining because if it's not then someone needs to water my flowers.
6. I wonder if there are any strawberries left for the kids to eat.
7. We missed signing up for the October reading list because we missed out on story time on Thursday. I have to remember to sign the kids up when I get back into town.
8. Should I wear sunscreen on vacation? If I don't I'll get burned and cause some serious skin damage. If I do I'll still be a pasty Midwestern pale. No one will know I went on vacation. Everyone looks better with a tan.
9. When I get home I need to start sleeping more.
10. I forgot to tell my mom the clothes in the basket outside of the dryer are clean and not to wash them again. I have to text her about that.

And there you have it folks, DAY 1 of vacation for the brain of a mommy.

 

Holy Meltdowns, Are you Serious?

What is it with Wednesdays??!!! In my house these days are filled with meltdowns and tantrums from my kids and myself. I can feel my stress level bubbling over to the brink of insanity. My four year old started in on me this morning at 6:45 am because he couldn't get crayons to stick to a plastic cup with a glue stick because he wanted to make a craft he saw Clinton Kelley create on The Chew. Are you serious!!!!???


Then it was double the cries and fights with the twins would decided to get up extra early today. Both Hailey and Travis decided that eating their breakfast at the table was so not cool and absolutely needed to eat their Pillsbury Flaky biscuits while walking through my clean house. The clan of three followed me down to the basement/play room/gym where I jumped on the treadmill hoping to get maybe 30 minutes in. I was wrong. By minute 24, the three were arguing and screaming over utensils in the play kitchen. Even though there are about 22 pieces they were fighting over the same damn spoon. Are you serious?


Double cries and fights turned into double poops just as we were leaving to take Brax to school. Double diaper changes are never fun and one of my least favorite things about having twins. There you are with one twin trying to not let him/her get grab happy with their dirty diaper or their privates while you try to play defense against another twin that is trying to steal wipes or step on their sibling's face. And don't ever EVER forget to throw both dirty diapers away before leaving for school drop off because you will come home to it devoured and scattered across the living room by a furry white 9 pound goblin. Are you serious?


Thinking that after my daughter has successfully eaten apple sauce pouches a number of times, she would be able to eat one this morning after she swiped one from their snack pack in the car and screaming at me as I tried to take it away. But NOOOO, not today. After I unscrewed it she squeezed the pouch and let the purple-brownish slurry ooze down her shirt and (fittingly)
across the word PRINCESS embroidered on her shirt. Are you serious?


After school drop off I seriously contemplated just sitting in my car in the driveway just because the twins were actually being quiet. I should have because the second they were out of their seats the screams ensued and the fights began as soon as their little feet touched the garage cement. They then scattered up the stairs into the house and made a beeline for the backdoor. Once outside the twosome investigated their nature findings quietly. I thought I was in the clear until a signature Travis scream cut through the air and they were once again fighting over a peanut that had fallen out of the squirrel feeder. Are you serious?


To break up the fight and possibly advert attention from one another I gave each little spawn a cup of Cheerios. Mistake. 93 seconds later they were pulling at one another and the cups along with the coveted Cheerios were flying across the deck. Picking each one up around the waist I hurried in side to avoid having the whole neighborhood hear my great parenting skills. Are you serious?


Once inside I stuck a blueberry protein muffin in each of their hands and we headed to the all empowered Play Room. Still no progress. God forbid I sit in a chair by myself, or one play with a car that we don't have a double of, or just accepting that both can be in the ball pit at one time. Nope, nope, nope. So now I sit here at 10:25 am with Hailey crying over Travis taking her computer and Travis crying over slipping over a magazine as he ran to escape with the computer. Are you serious?


Happy Meltdown Wednesday, is it Funny Friday yet??

The Playroom

Playrooms are actually pits made out of toys. Located in a forgotten room that you want your kids to get lost in to give you a moment of freedom or peace and quiet. However they actually turn into these gigantic messes that you find yourself lost in cleaning. Crap from wall to wall.


Oddly enough my kid's playroom doubles as my workout area. This morning, as I mastered the poses of downward dog and warrior two I looked around at the sleeping chaos around me as my kids were still in their beds. Gross. A forgotten pink toothbrush lay just peeking out from under our garage sale find lazy boy. Stale Cheerios spot the carpet around the edges of a cabinet swelling with toys. Mickey Mouse hangs from the synthetic hair of a pony while his clubhouse lay open and disheveled across the room. In the middle of the room is a small trampoline frayed and tattered from daily jumping. Under the trampoline a puzzle piece that belongs in a box that no longer exists. A play kitchen stands against the wall holding odds and ends, from fake plastic food to magnetic letters to what my kids deemed acceptable on their menu the previous day. Captain America, Spiderman and Hulk are having a debate on a pink fleece chair. 


To the untrained eye these items strewed across this open room may look like a land of misfit toys from a fairy tale, but to my kids it's their world, their treasures, their cherished pieces of childhood. As much as this room drives my organized driven, control freak mind crazy I relish in the love and innocence smeared across every inch.  There are definitely days that I want to take a couple of large black trash bags and fill them with half of this room, but after doing a "summer cleaning" of this room to sell at a consignment sale I found that I was just as attached to these misfit pieces of wonder as my children were. Each piece carries a memory and/or milestone of my kids or a moment that solidify our bond as a family through play.

Directions

In the story of the chef I spoke of yesterday the reverend depicted another scene. After choosing the easy route of making the dessert and being called out on it by a colleague the chef walks out of the restaurant. As he looks up to the large clock that looks over the town, an inscription under the face reads "A time to do well".  The chef takes it as a life sign and a direction to take. He decides to make a truer commitment.  Again I am faced with my own questions of if I am fulfilling a commitment? Am I living fully?


When we wake we are given each day. With that day we are given choices. Choices to make new decisions and to take new directions. It's never too late to change our minds. When we start saying yes to a new beginning we start welcoming a richness to life as well. Taking this to heart I know that I need to make a truer commitment. I've been given this life of love and happiness, what can I give back? To whom do I give back to?


Opening a door to an unknown choice is scary and I worry what change is on the other side. I feel restless in my heart and know that opening THAT door to a new direction is the answer to bring peace to my inner noise.

From Mother to Mom

After not attending church for three months I decided to attend this morning at 9 am sans the family. With my husband not being the church going type and my little ones being so little, after talking with my mother in-law I came to the conclusion that it was something that I may just needed to do on my own rather than giving it up to match my family's wants. So I made sure every one was fed, got dressed and headed over. For some, church is just an absolute or a way of life that you just do. For me, it's different. For me it's an hour to myself, my thoughts and my higher power. A time when my heart, mind and prayers combine in one breath. It becomes almost a time of meditation and once I leave I always feel refreshed. I figured that after the last couple of months that I have had as a mom and as a woman that if I heard something that hit a chord I was in the right direction of where I was going.


Sitting in the last pew I listened while going in between my own thoughts, the words being said and written in the bulletin. Then the sermon came entitled "A Change of Mind." As the reverend spoke the wheels of my head and heart began to turn and spark.  He told a story about a cook who was looking to be a chef and the journey he took. After traveling across the world, taking a position at a 5 star Italian restaurant he was asked to create a meal for some well known foodies. He had the option to either make a fillet of fresh fish that he had never worked with or to serve a dessert the restaurant was well known for and that he had made numerous times before. He chose the latter. But when asked by a dear friend as to why he didn't take the risk of making the filet and making the leap from just a cook to a chef, rather than just going through the motions of what he already knew how to do, it hit him that he was moving in any direction at all to fulfillment of his dreams.


In my head this translates "from cook to chef" to "from mother to mom." I know how to be a mother, I know how to cook, clean, change diapers, give baths, give medicines, check books out a the library, successfully do school drop-off and pick-up and all the rest of it. But was I a mom? Have I taken the leap from mother to mom? Was I fulfilling that dream and staying true to my commitment? Because a mom does all a mother can do but does it with love. A mom gives hugs and kisses, read stories, plays, tickles, listens, holds hands, teaches and protects and so much more.


As I go over these separate checklists in my head I know that I am at fault for just being a mother on some days but then I know that there are days when I am the best mom. When I am broken, tired and stressed it's hard to be a mom and not just a mother. But then again I am human. My kids love me and I love them. My husband loves me and I love him. God loves me and I love him. But I also love myself, so even though I strive to travel in the direction of becoming  a mom more so than just a mother, I do give myself permission to just be a mother on the days that I can't be a mom. My kids will still love me and they will still be cared for even if I don't make a craft that day. But I also challenge those who haven't taken that leap from mother to mom, who don't stop to breathe in the smell of their children or hug and kiss their dirty little faces. It all disappears so fast, don't let it go without living it through the eyes of a mom rather than just a mother.

Struggle

I find myself thinking back to Bax's first two years more and more, in regards to how much I enjoyed myself and all that we learned and did together. Now as the twins reach two years old in December trying to do a replica of the experiences I had with my first born seem to be a far fetched dream than an achievable reality. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are these supermoms of twins out there that can handle their toddler twins and four year old like Tim Gunn handles weirdo designers with low self esteem, but I'm not that supermom. I'm that mom who is stuffing peanut butter snack crackers in their kids mouth as I look for the nearest coffee shop.


Let's take a time travel trip to the fall of 2010. Apple fests, pumpkin patches, hayrides, petting zoos? If it was in 10 minutes of our house we were there with little Braxton taking a gazillion pictures and holding hands. Like the front of a Hallmark card. Fast forward to fall 2014. One twin is shoving dirt into a goats mouth rather than petting zoo feed, the other is running down a hill screaming at camels as she tries to make a run for it through an opening in the fence. Who's four year old is that with his shirt on backwards and shouting about the huge slide ride? Oh that's mine too. All three off spring running in different directions, interested in different things, because after all they are very, very different individuals from one another.


I want to punch a pumpkin. But then I'm brought back to reality, I love my kids and I love their dirty faces and germy hands. I love watching my baby girl swell over her first pony ride. I love watching her twin brother stick his chubby hands in the mouth of a goat as he squeals with delight. I love watching my four year old slide down a slide that I am way too chicken to do on my own. All their craziness will soon be tamed and they will be teenagers who won't even want to hang out at "Sonny Acres" on a Saturday morning. So I wipe the PB off my hands and take a deep breath, buy a white pumpkin as my twins shout "BALL" and throw their small gourd pumpkin across the "country barn store." We hurry out to make it to Brax's soccer game in time.


Its hard not to lose yourself as a mom, especially a twin mom. It's a constant struggle. I also don't want to lose my children's childhood moments either. Such struggles. I am blessed with such turmoil, I'm lucky enough  to be a mommy. I just gotta pull up my big girl pants and realize each day is zooming by and one day I will get to be selfish again but right now I need to be selfless for my kids because they are my heart no matter the struggle I feel within.

Funny Fridays

Finding the funny in being a mommy. I've decided to make Fridays a day of rejoicing in the funny (even the crap that didn't seem so funny at the time) of the week. So here we go:


1. Brax sleeping in just a white undershirt, undies and Spiderman leg warmers.
2. Realizing Brax wore the same leg warmers to school under his pants and to the park.
3. Ripping a hole in the ass of my pants at the park and having to walk all the way home with part of my butt cheek exposed.
4. Attending library story time with all three kiddos and as all the kids participated in listening and dancing to the "scarf song," Travis stood in front of the group completely still with a scarf over his head for 3 whole minutes. Creepy or funny???
5. Travis getting so mad at Hailey he took her by both top of the head pig tails and pulled as hard as he could.
6. While Braxton peed into the toilet Travis grabbed at Brax's "little guy" which caused pee to shoot up at Travis and all over the bathroom.
7. 30 minutes after giving the kids a bath and blow drying Hailey's hair, as she at down to eat dinner she took the gravy on her plate and raked it through the left side of her face and hair. WTF???
8. Getting an email from Brax's soccer coach informing us that the team sponsor would be treating the kids to Dairy Queen after the Saturday game. His sponsor is a dentist ... hidden agenda???
9. One of the rare times I showered and was standing in front of the mirror applying mascara I hear Brax yell "Mom, Travis is standing on the table!!"'


As a follow up to yesterday ... the mom of the little girl was not at drop off or pickup, it was the dad. I should have FOR SURE said something on Wednesday. Hopefully I will have the chance to extend a friendly greeting in the near future. Everything happens for a reason, right?